Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
