If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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