dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
