Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
