nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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