Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
