nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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