I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
