remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
