come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
