I hate your face
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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