maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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