Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
