I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
