Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
