Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
