dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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