I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
