I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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