Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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