well I can't set my house on fire every night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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