Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
