all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
