Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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