I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
