Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
