my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
