i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
