the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
