I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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