I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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