I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize