Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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