Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
