You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
