I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
