Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
