I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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