The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
