My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
