Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
