My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My vagina is very pro this idea
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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