Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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