it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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