Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
