Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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