im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
