I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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