After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
