My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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