rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
