apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
