Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
