moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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