I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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