Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
