Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
