Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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