i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
