Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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